she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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