I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
