she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
