I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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