You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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