When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
