Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
