I will die if light touches me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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