The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize