half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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