There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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