My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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