Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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