I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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