The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Pants are for mortals
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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