Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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