Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
