I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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