I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This is my gift to your gina
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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