the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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