I heard we made out
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
