the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
