i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
