She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
