i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
