Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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