Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
