my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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