As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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