i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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