i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
