Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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