So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
