I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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