1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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