I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
