Your mouth is God's brothel.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
