My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
