I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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