fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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