Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just found a bag of teeth...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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