I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
