Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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