She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
