I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
