you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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