I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
How naked do you want me to be?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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