Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
