how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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