whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
