So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
