just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
