the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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