Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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