sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize