Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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