I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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