I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
