two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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